the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
