The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
