My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
