# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
