i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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