Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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