dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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