thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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