Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
