i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
