I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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