I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
