My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
