The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
