so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
