I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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