If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dick very happy bro
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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