i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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