She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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