she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
