i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
