If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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