john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize