I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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