You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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