There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
