You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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