your parents love me but you hate me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
