a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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