remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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