i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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