When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
