I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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