idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
