She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
