just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize