The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
