is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Sober January is a disaster.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
