I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish i was in the wii world.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
