I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
