hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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