There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
