She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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