My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
