i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
