i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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