I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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