Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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