so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
