your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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