The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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