I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
