Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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