This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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