To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
