At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
