Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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