He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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