She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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