The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
