my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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