At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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