I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
