Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
